Nightmares, Marriage, Puzzles and Pediatricians

Night terrors...ever heard of kids that have them? G started having them yesterday. At first, we just thought it was her ear ache (confirmed by the pediatrician...her second so far, they are scared about hearing difficulties delaying her speech etc. According to the Speech Pathologist we saw today, G is a little behind in her sound development.... that is another whole post for a later date)...but after doing a little reading and talking to other moms, I think we are dealing with night terrors. G's room is the closest to ours and yesterday, we woke up to this horrid screaming. She sounded terrified. Of course K and I run into her room to see what is wrong, expecting a crying awake child wanting her mommy and daddy. Rather, she was still asleep and her body was rigid (think barbie doll all straightened out) and when I went to get her out of her crib, we couldn't get her to wake up. It was a horrid sound. After about 15 minutes of this, we were finally able to wake her and it was like nothing ever happened. She came to, smiled at us and then was ready to play. It was awful and of course the reason that I am still awake at 2 in the morning. Another screaming episode tonight woke up the twins. Thank God for K! She swooped in to save us...what a God send of a nanny. She dealt with the twins while K and I were fretting over G.

So now, after draining myself dry from 3 hungry kids (sorry if that is TMI), I should be in bed, but instead I am awake at the computer worried sick about what she could even have to dream about that would make her so scared. We are very very careful not to fight in front of the kiddo's and they watch basically just Sesame Street, the Wiggles, Nemo, and Little Bear. Other than our nanny, no one else really watches her... I just have no idea what she would have to be that terrified of...

Oh, so we got the genetic testing results back for me and V. There is no link! Thank God! Her heart issues are just the one in a million thing that hardly ever happens. So, that is not only great, but now they have a better idea of how to treat V for her own condition. The doctors have warned me that surgery may have to be an option, but compared to everything else they were considering, that is great news!

Marriage counseling....so far so good....I think. You know the whole thing that Steve and Miranda goi through in the Sex and The City Movie? Where they meet on the Brooklyn bridge as a sign of a new start? (btw, totally made me bawl my eyes out!) That is something similar to what she has us doing. But instead it is a letter...anyhow... I am glad that we are working on things. It isn't a fairy tale yet by any means, but it is an improvement. K and I have a lot of other issues that we both throught were dead (trust being a main one) so hopefully at $150 bucks an hour, we will figure it out. And yes, if you are thinking that is outrageous...it is, but we are truly paying for what we are getting. She is great!

Today marks a sad anniversary for me...and as a part of my therapy and healing and all of that jazz, I have been told that if I have found a safe environment to share the story, that I should. Thanks to all the love and outpouring of people I have never met (but feel like I know so well!), this is the venue I have chosen.

So, on todays date, in 2003...

I was raped. I rarely use that word because it is still extremely painful, but in my "safe environment" (as my therapist refers to this as) it is an okay word to use. K and I had split up for a short time (even though we still talked on the phone every day...even told each other, however painful, about dates we went on) and so after being asked out by a guy that I met at a party at OSU, even though I didn't know him, I went ahead and accepted. He took me to a little podunk diner where we had blackberry cobbler and homemade ice cream. After, we went back to my dorm and watched "Catch Me if you Can". When the movie was over he suggested that we take a walk around campus, so we did. There is a path all the way across the campus that eventually leads to a church and a huge apple orchard. We walked all the way up, sat down in the orchard and talked until sunset. Just as I was starting to think it was time to leave, he kissed my hand, and then my neck and before I knew it, I was telling him to stop and he wasn't listening. After it was all over, he got up and walked back to campus, got into his car and drove off without a word. I followed him about a hundred yards back on the path, trying to run through things in my mind, trying to figure out what to do next... I didn't even know his last name.

Despite knowing better, I was getting ready to take an exam in all three of my classes that week, so I dug down deep and buried all of the turmoil as a survival method to get through the week. Because of that one decision, that one moment he was never caught, never brought to any kind of responsibility for his actions. I waited almost an entire week before telling anyone. I was a shell of a person and I needed a shoulder to vent to...not really to cxry on. I neededto let it out. I still did not have any intention of doing anything about this because a) I didn't even know much about him b) he paid for everything in cash, no credit trail c)I was embarrassed and d) I felt like it was too late anyway. Well, the person I told did the telling for me. After weeks of meeting with the cops and making statements and trying to identify him, the case went cold because of lack of evidence. Being at a Christian school, theyhad rules and a contract that you agreed to once admitted. Part of that contract was that you were not to have any premarital sex. Well, even though it wasn't by any means consentual, I was kicked out of school by the dean for breaking my contract. He was my first, he turned my life inside out and upside down, but looking back...what a different path I would be on if he hadn't been a part of my puzzle....

See, I see life as this great big puzzle, and when we are born, God dumps it out on the table of life and says "Put it together." One by one you turn over the pieces, and you will see dark colors, light colors, shadows and bright colors. They are all different and all are important to put the whole puzzle together. Well, this puzzle piece was a big gloomy dark shadowy one, but I know that is essential for the puzzle that God has given me to be complete. If that piece hadn't been turned over, the next piece would not have fit. As a result (the next piece), I transferred schools, got back together with Ken, got engaged, moved to Louisville, got married and have all these beautiful babies. And that is just a small part of what is great in my life that has a direct connection to that terrible night 6 years ago. And if you are reading this, your life would be different too. You wouldn't be sitting here, reliving this with me and you may not have ever read anything about me or even met me, because without my kids, this blog probably would never have come along. YOU are just another part of my story, another piece. Thanks for being part of my puzzle. :) With that...goodnight.

soli deo gloria
Only to God be the Glory