Well, I am sitting here bleaching my teeth for another 7 minutes, so I thought I would post. :)
G slept through the night last night for the first time in weeks!!!!! Amazing!
So, I am a big nerd and bought color coded monitors for the kiddos. Our bedroom looks like a security camera hub because the monitors all have video feeds. The twins light is yellow, G's is pinkish red and J's is blue. So, last night when J woke up and started fussing, both K and I sat up in bed, just waiting for G to start screaming, because we thought it was her waking up. We are both so blind without our contacts or glasses, that even with the color coded flashing lights, we both thought J was G. Anyhow, that was quite the adventure.
I wanted to assure all of you reading that you can still post comments on here. Now that the legal stuff is over, it really all comes down to the anonymity of it all. Just initials please! Thanks!
Marriage counseling went ok today. Kind of came to a big blow up at the end, in front of our therapist that we barely know. I was so embarrassed. I guess it is good to "get it all out", but I just couldn't help but feel a little self conscious about having a real fight in front of essentially a stranger. We are still having issues with the division of responsibilities bit. It is frustrating beyond belief for me to sit there and have EVERY RESPONSIBILITY shoved at me because I am not financially contributing. I pointed out to him today that the responsibilities that I take on as a stay at home mom are SAVING us money in the long run for childcare. Ugh.
I ran for the first time since last November today. I used to run about 3-5 miles a day without feeling too awfully bad, but after today, I seriously felt like passing out. I did 2 miles, thinking that would be a goodstarting point. I don't know if it was because I was pushing the stroller with 3 kiddos in it (G stayed home) or if it is because I am THAT far out of shape, but I could hardly climb the stairs today. Haha! We will see how this goes... Times up!
sdg
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
It's like starting all over...
After days of actually sleeping through the night (thank God for the amazing helpers in our lives) for the first time since we found out about the adoption thing, I am finally able to get back to "life as usual" here. The papers are signed, sealed, delivered and J is ours!
Last night we all traveled down to Evansville for the evening because the hubby and I registered to play in a cornhole tournament at the Freedom Festival. We got all the way to the finals and lost in the third game. It was a lot of fun and the kids got some time in the pool with friends and family. We gave Katie the day off, so as hectic as it was, it was a pretty good day. K and I are starting to think that after a few more months, we can reduce her hours a bit.
So addressing my title for this post...it actually does feel that way. All this time, I think we were kind of preparing ourselves to lose him, that we actually started distancing ourselves from him (I feel so incredibly guilty now! It is awful that happened...we didn't even realize it til this weekend!) After the weight lifted though, it really feels like we are at a fresh start. It makes me sad to think how we lost the friendship of M and B in this process, but, what's done is done.
G is still having night terrors and we are looking into different herbal "myths" to find out if there is anything that can help her. The doctors say they will pass...
Time to go check in on the kiddos and to get some sleep. Marriage counseling tomorrow, I will keep you updated. :)
sdg
Last night we all traveled down to Evansville for the evening because the hubby and I registered to play in a cornhole tournament at the Freedom Festival. We got all the way to the finals and lost in the third game. It was a lot of fun and the kids got some time in the pool with friends and family. We gave Katie the day off, so as hectic as it was, it was a pretty good day. K and I are starting to think that after a few more months, we can reduce her hours a bit.
So addressing my title for this post...it actually does feel that way. All this time, I think we were kind of preparing ourselves to lose him, that we actually started distancing ourselves from him (I feel so incredibly guilty now! It is awful that happened...we didn't even realize it til this weekend!) After the weight lifted though, it really feels like we are at a fresh start. It makes me sad to think how we lost the friendship of M and B in this process, but, what's done is done.
G is still having night terrors and we are looking into different herbal "myths" to find out if there is anything that can help her. The doctors say they will pass...
Time to go check in on the kiddos and to get some sleep. Marriage counseling tomorrow, I will keep you updated. :)
sdg
Thursday, June 18, 2009
What a miracle!
The nightmare is over...thanks to hard work on our legal team's part. We are keeping J!! Thanks for all your prayers. All I have time for this afternoon. Maybe more later! Time for Mommy to take a much needed nap while the house is quiet.
sdg
sdg
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Roses
Night terrors again last night. Completely overwhelming! I hate not being able to do anything for her... everything I have read says that they will pass and that there is nothing you can really do but ride them out. :(
K's step mom and Dad came today and took K the nanny (KN) and the 4 kiddos to the park. K and I for the first time in ages sat down and watched a movie, ate popcorn and chilled out. It was amazing. After the movie, we got to work, Ken mowed and weeded and I bathed the dogs and mopped the floors. Even with a housekeeper things get pretty filthy very quickly in this house. Afterwords, we both sat down on the couch and watched House reruns. I fell asleep and I woke up an hour later (When does a mom of 4 actually get to nap??) to the smell of roses.
Now, for those of you that just recently started following our story, K and I have known each other for 7 years. Every year that we have been together, he has given me a rose bush. When we got the house, I finally could take them out of their enormous pots and put them in the ground. We have a very pretty rose garden going. He went out this afternoon while I was napping and picked 4 roses (one for each of the kids) and put them in a bud vase next to where I was sleeping. Today was a much needed good day.
Update on court stuff: Not looking good, at all. J is scheduled to get on a plane at the end of next week unless we can miraculously pull something out of a hat. Still working on it, but our chances aren't looking very good for right now. After 72 hours of straight payment for a round the clock team, I was expecting a better report than, sorry, we are stuck as the answer.
Per request of a reader, I will details some of our marriage counseling letters that we are to write. The letter is basically to address a couple certain things. Everything must be an "I feel" or something of the equivalent. We are to tell about our insecurities, worries and issues with each other, then we are to write about one thing that would alleviate the pressure of one of those issues. And lastly, we are to rehash what we want out of our relationship, or family etc. Basically, the way she described it to us is to describe the fairy tale or the picket fence life from your perspective, but to absolutely not color it with the issues that we are having. So I couldn't say "Life would be a fairytale if you would help around the house" It is a more broad thing...like you are writing a happily ever after. It is a work in progress. We have a session tomorrow, so that will certainly be a good thing.
G just now went down...and hopefully stays asleep for more than a few hours. I probably should get rest too, just in case. Sad that it is 8:30 and I am about to put myself in bed. LOL, who would have thought.
K's step mom and Dad came today and took K the nanny (KN) and the 4 kiddos to the park. K and I for the first time in ages sat down and watched a movie, ate popcorn and chilled out. It was amazing. After the movie, we got to work, Ken mowed and weeded and I bathed the dogs and mopped the floors. Even with a housekeeper things get pretty filthy very quickly in this house. Afterwords, we both sat down on the couch and watched House reruns. I fell asleep and I woke up an hour later (When does a mom of 4 actually get to nap??) to the smell of roses.
Now, for those of you that just recently started following our story, K and I have known each other for 7 years. Every year that we have been together, he has given me a rose bush. When we got the house, I finally could take them out of their enormous pots and put them in the ground. We have a very pretty rose garden going. He went out this afternoon while I was napping and picked 4 roses (one for each of the kids) and put them in a bud vase next to where I was sleeping. Today was a much needed good day.
Update on court stuff: Not looking good, at all. J is scheduled to get on a plane at the end of next week unless we can miraculously pull something out of a hat. Still working on it, but our chances aren't looking very good for right now. After 72 hours of straight payment for a round the clock team, I was expecting a better report than, sorry, we are stuck as the answer.
Per request of a reader, I will details some of our marriage counseling letters that we are to write. The letter is basically to address a couple certain things. Everything must be an "I feel" or something of the equivalent. We are to tell about our insecurities, worries and issues with each other, then we are to write about one thing that would alleviate the pressure of one of those issues. And lastly, we are to rehash what we want out of our relationship, or family etc. Basically, the way she described it to us is to describe the fairy tale or the picket fence life from your perspective, but to absolutely not color it with the issues that we are having. So I couldn't say "Life would be a fairytale if you would help around the house" It is a more broad thing...like you are writing a happily ever after. It is a work in progress. We have a session tomorrow, so that will certainly be a good thing.
G just now went down...and hopefully stays asleep for more than a few hours. I probably should get rest too, just in case. Sad that it is 8:30 and I am about to put myself in bed. LOL, who would have thought.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Nightmares, Marriage, Puzzles and Pediatricians
Night terrors...ever heard of kids that have them? G started having them yesterday. At first, we just thought it was her ear ache (confirmed by the pediatrician...her second so far, they are scared about hearing difficulties delaying her speech etc. According to the Speech Pathologist we saw today, G is a little behind in her sound development.... that is another whole post for a later date)...but after doing a little reading and talking to other moms, I think we are dealing with night terrors. G's room is the closest to ours and yesterday, we woke up to this horrid screaming. She sounded terrified. Of course K and I run into her room to see what is wrong, expecting a crying awake child wanting her mommy and daddy. Rather, she was still asleep and her body was rigid (think barbie doll all straightened out) and when I went to get her out of her crib, we couldn't get her to wake up. It was a horrid sound. After about 15 minutes of this, we were finally able to wake her and it was like nothing ever happened. She came to, smiled at us and then was ready to play. It was awful and of course the reason that I am still awake at 2 in the morning. Another screaming episode tonight woke up the twins. Thank God for K! She swooped in to save us...what a God send of a nanny. She dealt with the twins while K and I were fretting over G.
So now, after draining myself dry from 3 hungry kids (sorry if that is TMI), I should be in bed, but instead I am awake at the computer worried sick about what she could even have to dream about that would make her so scared. We are very very careful not to fight in front of the kiddo's and they watch basically just Sesame Street, the Wiggles, Nemo, and Little Bear. Other than our nanny, no one else really watches her... I just have no idea what she would have to be that terrified of...
Oh, so we got the genetic testing results back for me and V. There is no link! Thank God! Her heart issues are just the one in a million thing that hardly ever happens. So, that is not only great, but now they have a better idea of how to treat V for her own condition. The doctors have warned me that surgery may have to be an option, but compared to everything else they were considering, that is great news!
Marriage counseling....so far so good....I think. You know the whole thing that Steve and Miranda goi through in the Sex and The City Movie? Where they meet on the Brooklyn bridge as a sign of a new start? (btw, totally made me bawl my eyes out!) That is something similar to what she has us doing. But instead it is a letter...anyhow... I am glad that we are working on things. It isn't a fairy tale yet by any means, but it is an improvement. K and I have a lot of other issues that we both throught were dead (trust being a main one) so hopefully at $150 bucks an hour, we will figure it out. And yes, if you are thinking that is outrageous...it is, but we are truly paying for what we are getting. She is great!
Today marks a sad anniversary for me...and as a part of my therapy and healing and all of that jazz, I have been told that if I have found a safe environment to share the story, that I should. Thanks to all the love and outpouring of people I have never met (but feel like I know so well!), this is the venue I have chosen.
So, on todays date, in 2003...
I was raped. I rarely use that word because it is still extremely painful, but in my "safe environment" (as my therapist refers to this as) it is an okay word to use. K and I had split up for a short time (even though we still talked on the phone every day...even told each other, however painful, about dates we went on) and so after being asked out by a guy that I met at a party at OSU, even though I didn't know him, I went ahead and accepted. He took me to a little podunk diner where we had blackberry cobbler and homemade ice cream. After, we went back to my dorm and watched "Catch Me if you Can". When the movie was over he suggested that we take a walk around campus, so we did. There is a path all the way across the campus that eventually leads to a church and a huge apple orchard. We walked all the way up, sat down in the orchard and talked until sunset. Just as I was starting to think it was time to leave, he kissed my hand, and then my neck and before I knew it, I was telling him to stop and he wasn't listening. After it was all over, he got up and walked back to campus, got into his car and drove off without a word. I followed him about a hundred yards back on the path, trying to run through things in my mind, trying to figure out what to do next... I didn't even know his last name.
Despite knowing better, I was getting ready to take an exam in all three of my classes that week, so I dug down deep and buried all of the turmoil as a survival method to get through the week. Because of that one decision, that one moment he was never caught, never brought to any kind of responsibility for his actions. I waited almost an entire week before telling anyone. I was a shell of a person and I needed a shoulder to vent to...not really to cxry on. I neededto let it out. I still did not have any intention of doing anything about this because a) I didn't even know much about him b) he paid for everything in cash, no credit trail c)I was embarrassed and d) I felt like it was too late anyway. Well, the person I told did the telling for me. After weeks of meeting with the cops and making statements and trying to identify him, the case went cold because of lack of evidence. Being at a Christian school, theyhad rules and a contract that you agreed to once admitted. Part of that contract was that you were not to have any premarital sex. Well, even though it wasn't by any means consentual, I was kicked out of school by the dean for breaking my contract. He was my first, he turned my life inside out and upside down, but looking back...what a different path I would be on if he hadn't been a part of my puzzle....
See, I see life as this great big puzzle, and when we are born, God dumps it out on the table of life and says "Put it together." One by one you turn over the pieces, and you will see dark colors, light colors, shadows and bright colors. They are all different and all are important to put the whole puzzle together. Well, this puzzle piece was a big gloomy dark shadowy one, but I know that is essential for the puzzle that God has given me to be complete. If that piece hadn't been turned over, the next piece would not have fit. As a result (the next piece), I transferred schools, got back together with Ken, got engaged, moved to Louisville, got married and have all these beautiful babies. And that is just a small part of what is great in my life that has a direct connection to that terrible night 6 years ago. And if you are reading this, your life would be different too. You wouldn't be sitting here, reliving this with me and you may not have ever read anything about me or even met me, because without my kids, this blog probably would never have come along. YOU are just another part of my story, another piece. Thanks for being part of my puzzle. :) With that...goodnight.
soli deo gloria
Only to God be the Glory
So now, after draining myself dry from 3 hungry kids (sorry if that is TMI), I should be in bed, but instead I am awake at the computer worried sick about what she could even have to dream about that would make her so scared. We are very very careful not to fight in front of the kiddo's and they watch basically just Sesame Street, the Wiggles, Nemo, and Little Bear. Other than our nanny, no one else really watches her... I just have no idea what she would have to be that terrified of...
Oh, so we got the genetic testing results back for me and V. There is no link! Thank God! Her heart issues are just the one in a million thing that hardly ever happens. So, that is not only great, but now they have a better idea of how to treat V for her own condition. The doctors have warned me that surgery may have to be an option, but compared to everything else they were considering, that is great news!
Marriage counseling....so far so good....I think. You know the whole thing that Steve and Miranda goi through in the Sex and The City Movie? Where they meet on the Brooklyn bridge as a sign of a new start? (btw, totally made me bawl my eyes out!) That is something similar to what she has us doing. But instead it is a letter...anyhow... I am glad that we are working on things. It isn't a fairy tale yet by any means, but it is an improvement. K and I have a lot of other issues that we both throught were dead (trust being a main one) so hopefully at $150 bucks an hour, we will figure it out. And yes, if you are thinking that is outrageous...it is, but we are truly paying for what we are getting. She is great!
Today marks a sad anniversary for me...and as a part of my therapy and healing and all of that jazz, I have been told that if I have found a safe environment to share the story, that I should. Thanks to all the love and outpouring of people I have never met (but feel like I know so well!), this is the venue I have chosen.
So, on todays date, in 2003...
I was raped. I rarely use that word because it is still extremely painful, but in my "safe environment" (as my therapist refers to this as) it is an okay word to use. K and I had split up for a short time (even though we still talked on the phone every day...even told each other, however painful, about dates we went on) and so after being asked out by a guy that I met at a party at OSU, even though I didn't know him, I went ahead and accepted. He took me to a little podunk diner where we had blackberry cobbler and homemade ice cream. After, we went back to my dorm and watched "Catch Me if you Can". When the movie was over he suggested that we take a walk around campus, so we did. There is a path all the way across the campus that eventually leads to a church and a huge apple orchard. We walked all the way up, sat down in the orchard and talked until sunset. Just as I was starting to think it was time to leave, he kissed my hand, and then my neck and before I knew it, I was telling him to stop and he wasn't listening. After it was all over, he got up and walked back to campus, got into his car and drove off without a word. I followed him about a hundred yards back on the path, trying to run through things in my mind, trying to figure out what to do next... I didn't even know his last name.
Despite knowing better, I was getting ready to take an exam in all three of my classes that week, so I dug down deep and buried all of the turmoil as a survival method to get through the week. Because of that one decision, that one moment he was never caught, never brought to any kind of responsibility for his actions. I waited almost an entire week before telling anyone. I was a shell of a person and I needed a shoulder to vent to...not really to cxry on. I neededto let it out. I still did not have any intention of doing anything about this because a) I didn't even know much about him b) he paid for everything in cash, no credit trail c)I was embarrassed and d) I felt like it was too late anyway. Well, the person I told did the telling for me. After weeks of meeting with the cops and making statements and trying to identify him, the case went cold because of lack of evidence. Being at a Christian school, theyhad rules and a contract that you agreed to once admitted. Part of that contract was that you were not to have any premarital sex. Well, even though it wasn't by any means consentual, I was kicked out of school by the dean for breaking my contract. He was my first, he turned my life inside out and upside down, but looking back...what a different path I would be on if he hadn't been a part of my puzzle....
See, I see life as this great big puzzle, and when we are born, God dumps it out on the table of life and says "Put it together." One by one you turn over the pieces, and you will see dark colors, light colors, shadows and bright colors. They are all different and all are important to put the whole puzzle together. Well, this puzzle piece was a big gloomy dark shadowy one, but I know that is essential for the puzzle that God has given me to be complete. If that piece hadn't been turned over, the next piece would not have fit. As a result (the next piece), I transferred schools, got back together with Ken, got engaged, moved to Louisville, got married and have all these beautiful babies. And that is just a small part of what is great in my life that has a direct connection to that terrible night 6 years ago. And if you are reading this, your life would be different too. You wouldn't be sitting here, reliving this with me and you may not have ever read anything about me or even met me, because without my kids, this blog probably would never have come along. YOU are just another part of my story, another piece. Thanks for being part of my puzzle. :) With that...goodnight.
soli deo gloria
Only to God be the Glory
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Legalitites...
So, in lieu of this very anonymous blog, it looks like I did a favor to myself by deleting the blog. Before hand, we printed all of the entries having to do with J and the adoption process, but deleting it made it so that M and B couldn't use anything I said against us in court. I can't say much else, other than the fact that the fact that I have so many kids will be the main defense that they have other than the papers have gone missing...
I think that since a public blog isn't really in my best interest, especially now, any updates about the case will have to be emailed.
The kids are officially up and at em, so I need to get off of here. Know that we are all doing as well as to be expected. Thank you so much for your prayers.
sdg
I think that since a public blog isn't really in my best interest, especially now, any updates about the case will have to be emailed.
The kids are officially up and at em, so I need to get off of here. Know that we are all doing as well as to be expected. Thank you so much for your prayers.
sdg
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wow...starting over...
Well, we have had quite an eventful couple of days. I deleted my old blog because we had a stalker in our midst, mad about the adoption thing and making false accusations about the pictures of my kids and then somehow tracking us down and sending us hate emails, hate letters, threatening us... I will no longer be posting pictures or using mine or the kids names. Most of you following already know who I will be talking about and so there is no need to make this any more personal than it needs to be. I need to protect my family. More later about the craziness of our lives.
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