Back to Reality

Back from the spa, not really feeling much better. "Relaxation" doesn't always happen in a massage. I feel like I will have deep muscle bruises the way she man handled me. Felt good at the time, now, not so much. Picked up Gia and gasped from being sore and got the "Mommy ok?" and a terrible look from her that looked so worried. They all know something is up. Would never have any idea what, but they can certainly tell that something has changed. I can't even process it right now. He doesn't get out of work until 8 tonight because he has some training for the new marketing consultant. My imagination is running wild that it is going to play out like a movie, where the guy is screwing the best friend or the tennis pro or the hot secretary.

Part of me wants to call the number. I texted "Who is this" to the number, but no response. Besides, I have no idea what I would say or if I would just sit there wide mouthed or hang up like a 13 year old girl prank calling the history teacher.

It shouldn't be like this, right? I mean, wow, knowing each other for 8 years, dating 4, married for almost 4...it shouldn't be like this, right?

Devastated, but I am not sure if I even have the energy to do anything about it. We are moved in to the new house, so assets to be divided have multiplied substantially, since our buyer of the old house backed out. Then there is the kids. He makes much much more money than me, if there is a divorce, I am not even sure that I would get custody. I know it wasn't a mistake to stay home as a stay at home mom, but it also scares me immensely that I have given up income to be a good mom, only to lose the kids in the end for money reasons. I would hope not. The state always prefers the mother. Whether or not that is strong enough to get over the money, that is a whole different ball game.

I blame myself. I know I shouldn't. Have I let myself go? Or does he not find me sexy anymore because I am "just a mom" or is it being bored? Why would he feel like that would be a solution to any of those? Was I not good enough? I am not always the best "stepford wife" but I certainly make an effort. Maybe I fell short on his expectations and needed someone to fill these roles. I know that from a psychological standpoint, I am not being fair to myself...at all. It is his fault...HE made the choice, HE was the one that took the action. Ugh. I need a stiff drink. Katie is here and is doing dinner duty, along with the friends from the spa. Here I sit, and I feel absolutely immobilized, helpless and almost ashamed that I haven't seen this coming. "Drop it already" is what he said in a text today. "Sorry, but you are really making a big deal out of nothing" "You can track it, watch, I won't ever talk to her again, just watch the account"...how does he really think that I am that dense that I don't know that there are so many other ways to communicate outside his cell.

This is unreal. This is not my life. It doesn't fit into what was supposed to be next...and when did I get to be such a control freak...as though as anything goes as planned in this family.

I am rambling. I should probably put a smile on and take care of the kiddos. I can have a breakdown later.

FYI, one good thing: Stepped on the scale...down 25 lbs since Christmas. Excited about that! Unpacked a lot of my Spring clothes that were pre-babies, and I am actually almost back to where I was before...although I really think I have about 40 more lbs to lose to be happy with where I am.

More later I am sure. This may become my outlet, so please ignore the rambling posts in which I'll be over analyzing and falling apart.

Trust is vital in a successful marriage right? My stomach feels sick and I am trying to be the quiet strength that my mom was when we were kids. I think he is cheating on me. I found inappropriate texts on his phone, and after confronting him, he put a password on his phone. Then I look at our account online and he talks to her, texts her, send picture messages to her. So now what? When I confronted him this morning, all he said was that it wasn't the big deal that I was making it out to be. It is a big deal to me. I am half way between throwing up and crying and staring blankly at the wall. 2 of my good friends have arranged a sitter for the afternoon and they are taking me to the spa. I don't want to go to the spa. That means something is really wrong. Ugh.

He makes me more exhausted than the 4 kids do right now. I just want to sleep for 12 hours straight, but I can't. I laid in bed all night, staring at the ceiling. Violet was up most of the night because she is having some bad allergies. We are going to the doctor tomorrow. He is out of the shower. More later.

Not even a title to encompass everything from this one!

Hello hello out there!! It has been a long while. So much has happened! I am not even sure I can recap it all in the little time that I have tonight. First, the good stuff!!

We are approaching the one year mark for our"triplets" as most people call them. Jackson is first in April! Only a year ago, we were out in CA to meet Molly and Brian (whom we have reconciled with, more on that later). And I do remember being extremely miserable at about this time. So now the question becomes, birthday parties...any mom's have ideas this early in the game? I know that the 1st year party is more for the parents (selfishly) and then slowly but surely it becomes more about the kiddos as they grow up and get into school and friends and hobbies.

We are having a hard time deciding on what we should do since their birthdays are a little more than a month apart. For family purposes, I of course want everyone here, so I have a feeling that this year, we will be having one big party for all three! But part of me really feels guilty for doing that. It should be a special day for each of them. My mom did a joint birthday for my sister and I one year and we hated it. Our birthdays are about a month apart. Granted, we are three years apart, so it was a little different. It makes me ponder if they will all have the same friends and hang out in the same group, or if they are going to be as different as they seem to be now when they get older. I do feel a little guilty. Gia has a whole day to herself that is all about her. Jackson should too. And then, twin mommies, what have you done about making each kid feel special on their birthday individually. Most of you email me, feel free to comment on here too.

If we have a separate party for Jackson, it will be completely sports themed. He is a daddy's boy, and will watch ESPN all day with Ken if I let them. He will literally almost seem hypnotized...almost like his dad. Haha! Right now we have been watching all the round one games for the tournament. Ken took a personal day and I purposely didn't schedule any shoots for the day. A big family day. We gave Katie the day off. (NEVER did I realize how much of a silent help she is...I mean I realized a long time ago that we could never pay her enough for what she does for us, but it was eye opening today.) It was sooooo much fun though. We wore pajamas most of the day, watching the games, and when Ken deemed that there weren't games on that *we* cared about (of course I mean him) we took a family walk in the park (Ken with the three dogs and Gia, and me with the big stroller with Jackson, Noah and Violet.) Might I just say, I am sure EVERYONE in the park saw us coming a mile away and ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction. No, but seriously, it was quite the ordeal. Ken's stepmom came over in the afternoon for nap time and Ken and I went and got coffee and deli sandwiches at the coffee shop up the street. It sits on the river so we sat on the patio, in the sun and it was just a comfortable silence. Lovely. The weather was gorgeous. It was BC. Before Chaos! No, just kidding. About 3:30 we went back to a bustling house and spent all day playing and just being a family. It was a little crazy.

Gia has become a "runner". Way too early in my opinion. All over the place, she is pretty good, but frequently crashes, and that I really do mean. I am surprised that CPS hasn't been called because she always has a bruise from where she has fallen or run into something. She is a wild woman!

Big news! Jackson took his first steps last week. It has been pretty isolated. He is very timid, but really likes it when Mommy goes crazy for him! He is a little showman if you can get him going. And a huge grin on his face. Probably the biggest smile of all the kids. I really think he is gonna be a heartbreaker when he gets older. Such a gentle guy, but really finds everything hilarious and is quite the comedian at times! And I'll say it probably a million more times....OBSESSED with sports. I have no idea what it is, but it is really cute to see him and daddy having guy time. AND, he was full of milestones since I last wrote, he said his first "real" word. Yes, they all say momma and dada, but he said it plain as day: "ball". Ken and I both looked at each other and was like, really, did he really just say that? And then we both laughed hysterically because that WOULD be the word that Jackson says first. My little sports fan.

This is starting to be a novel. So much more to write!

We have reconciled with Molly and Brian, at least for now. It's still really hard to think about all the legal issues that we went through with them, but forgiveness is a beautiful thing...challenging, but it is a blessing. They want us to send pictures. I don't mind, but Ken is still leery. He is probably right, it might not be right to do that yet. We will see. I did enjoy catching up with them, as awkward as it was. Molly initially sent me an email with a million apologies and lots of questions. I hope that for Jacksons sake, things can get better.

And then there is the twins. Our little tornadoes! Violet is our fiesty one. And kind of a drama queen. She wears every emotion on her face plain as day. Noah is the opposite. Very stoic, we say he is being strong. It is darling though, when you can tell he is upset, he sucks on his bottom lip with tears welling up, but not a peep until he finally lets go. But he is very quiet, Violet's exact opposite. It takes a lot to get him upset. He almost seems like he is a wide old man. He has very knowing eyes. He is an old soul. And a mommy's boy.

Violet got a terrible burn on her legs a few days ago. I went out for a run with the three younger ones in tow, and they all were covered pretty well with clothing and by the shade of the stroller. Somehow her little pants and her sock got separated and her porcelain skin was exposed without sunscreen and she got a terrible sunburn. Blisters and all. It was 66 degrees out, beautiful day...it made me feel like the worst mom ever. It looks like a bad curling iron burn.

As a side note, please be in prayer for Ken's mom. She has advanced COPD and is not doing well. It's so hard. Ken's parents divorced when he was a baby, so all he has known until about high school was his mom. They are so close, and I can tell it is tearing him apart. We all kind of knew this day was coming sooner than we would like, but it seemed to kind of sneak up on us.

I know I have a ton more to write, but my little ladies man is awake...again. Jackson can't seem to stay asleep for more than a few hours at a time at the beginning of the night. I worry about it, but the pediatrician assured me that I have nothing to worry about. He is just getting more social and doesn't want to miss any of the action.

Oh, and we are moving officially into the new house after Thunder and before Derby. Hoping that we can use our porch for Thunder on the current house and the wonderful backyard in the new house for a Derby cocktail party. If it works out. I am not counting on it. Moving is one thing...moving 6 people, 3 dogs, a cat and 2 horses is an entirely different animal.

I will try to post more later. I need to attend to the social butterfly.

sdg