Back to Reality

Back from the spa, not really feeling much better. "Relaxation" doesn't always happen in a massage. I feel like I will have deep muscle bruises the way she man handled me. Felt good at the time, now, not so much. Picked up Gia and gasped from being sore and got the "Mommy ok?" and a terrible look from her that looked so worried. They all know something is up. Would never have any idea what, but they can certainly tell that something has changed. I can't even process it right now. He doesn't get out of work until 8 tonight because he has some training for the new marketing consultant. My imagination is running wild that it is going to play out like a movie, where the guy is screwing the best friend or the tennis pro or the hot secretary.

Part of me wants to call the number. I texted "Who is this" to the number, but no response. Besides, I have no idea what I would say or if I would just sit there wide mouthed or hang up like a 13 year old girl prank calling the history teacher.

It shouldn't be like this, right? I mean, wow, knowing each other for 8 years, dating 4, married for almost 4...it shouldn't be like this, right?

Devastated, but I am not sure if I even have the energy to do anything about it. We are moved in to the new house, so assets to be divided have multiplied substantially, since our buyer of the old house backed out. Then there is the kids. He makes much much more money than me, if there is a divorce, I am not even sure that I would get custody. I know it wasn't a mistake to stay home as a stay at home mom, but it also scares me immensely that I have given up income to be a good mom, only to lose the kids in the end for money reasons. I would hope not. The state always prefers the mother. Whether or not that is strong enough to get over the money, that is a whole different ball game.

I blame myself. I know I shouldn't. Have I let myself go? Or does he not find me sexy anymore because I am "just a mom" or is it being bored? Why would he feel like that would be a solution to any of those? Was I not good enough? I am not always the best "stepford wife" but I certainly make an effort. Maybe I fell short on his expectations and needed someone to fill these roles. I know that from a psychological standpoint, I am not being fair to myself...at all. It is his fault...HE made the choice, HE was the one that took the action. Ugh. I need a stiff drink. Katie is here and is doing dinner duty, along with the friends from the spa. Here I sit, and I feel absolutely immobilized, helpless and almost ashamed that I haven't seen this coming. "Drop it already" is what he said in a text today. "Sorry, but you are really making a big deal out of nothing" "You can track it, watch, I won't ever talk to her again, just watch the account"...how does he really think that I am that dense that I don't know that there are so many other ways to communicate outside his cell.

This is unreal. This is not my life. It doesn't fit into what was supposed to be next...and when did I get to be such a control freak...as though as anything goes as planned in this family.

I am rambling. I should probably put a smile on and take care of the kiddos. I can have a breakdown later.

FYI, one good thing: Stepped on the scale...down 25 lbs since Christmas. Excited about that! Unpacked a lot of my Spring clothes that were pre-babies, and I am actually almost back to where I was before...although I really think I have about 40 more lbs to lose to be happy with where I am.

More later I am sure. This may become my outlet, so please ignore the rambling posts in which I'll be over analyzing and falling apart.