Big surprise

Well, most of the family has been informed, so its an all clear to post.

We are expecting baby number 5, due February 23rd. Surprise!

After taking 7 tests, I have finally gave in to the idea and made an appointment with the doctor. We prayed for the blessing of children. And almost 3 years, and 4 kids later, here we are again. Be careful what you pray for, huh? I am terrified, very grateful, but terrified because we were supposed to be done. I have been back on the pill, we have taken every precaution. And as a mom, I feel guilty. I feel like my pit of my stomach feeling about this is wrong, is terrible...because even though we are excited, it is still one of those things where I just want to look up at God and be like "Seriously?" And I can't really figure out what that feeling is (other than the morning sickness). I hate that it makes me scared and sad. I don't want to use the word regret, but that lump in my throat and the tears that are streaming from my face right now certainly feel a little like it. I feel a little panicked, Ken and I are having this silence between us, because I think both of us are avoiding saying anything wrong, saying anything that wouldn't be kosher to say.

All the same, we are very happy. Ken and I are doing really well and I have finally started to feel like we are getting back to the way things were between us B.K. (before kids). I am scared that our marriage can't take it though. We are finally getting back on our feet.

I do want to say that I have never been one to consider terminating a pregnancy. I hope that in reading this, it is not seen as though I am thinking this.

I am exhausted and should try to get some sleep. Just keeping you all up to date.

sdg